12.16.2005
what sleep will come, indeed
ok. so the past few days keep flashing through my mind. my feelings are numb, my brain is mush. lord please pull me out of this stupor; sweet as it may feel to be immersed in oblivion, i must find a way out. i need to wake up. wake up to LIFE. life is here, all around me, why am i doubting? what's there to second-guess? live day by day, i like to say, and usually is what ends up happening. but sometimes i feel like a train without a track to drive on, a ship with a broken mast, an actor whos missing a cue line. sometimes my head flies away..... while i stay here and wallow... my, what sleep will come...
11.10.2005
YOU?
im so sick of this selfish world. selfish society, selfish individuals, selfish politicians, selfish countries, selfish teenagers selfish parents selfish people who are supposed to be your friends but they spend too much time being selfish that they forget to. the most promoted personality attribute is selfishness. i i i i i i i i i i i i need this i want that.... thats all our thought processes are based upon. this concept of selfishness thats overcome everything.
magazines promote selfishness. pick up any teen people or cosmo girl and youll see them telling you to always look out for yourself. speaking about how your pride is the most important thing in life, besides the size of your hips. why? who cares? everyone does. if your beautiful you're liked and if your liked then everythings ok withthe world. but suppose everyone likes you. you spend alot of time on yourself so that people will like you, you perfect that mask you put on every day so that people can see a glamorous you. and they like you and you like you but then what? isnt there something else to life? according to the media and the advertising industries there isnt. you are a souless being and should rely only on others' opinions of you to survive. you dont really care about them, you only care about how they see you. you will do anything you can to get them to see that mask you work so hard on. and so selfish individuals in a selfish society are intertwined in a big ball of i i i i i i i i i i i.
with that ball rolling, we have our all time snobs the politicians leading the way. elect me, pick me, look at me. its not an election for people leading our country, its a popularity contest. and in the end the politicians dont really care about their constituents, they care more about moving themselves up the government ladder, which gets more twisted every day.
and governments, talk about selfish. a glimpse into the future will show you how fucked up our governments are. they take away money from schools, medicare, support programs, welfare, environment, all the things that ensure a positive future, and they make them individualistic. god forbid the government take responsibility for its citizens. no, lets make sure we have plenty of oil, even if its going to be gone anyways, we want to make sure we get all thats left. lets cut school funding of art programs, which enrich children's minds, and cut teachers' salaries, who drill the information into their heads, so that we can kill those kids later on in a war. lets pour money into our "defense" system, all our branches of the military, so we can parade around the world protecting everyone. but just dont tell everyone that what we're really doing is being selfish, and making sure that we benefit from whatever help we provide. lets also kill the environment with our excess of trash, oil emissions, and just plain destruction so that we can have whatever percent less oxygen on our planet. that will make us so much healthier. and speaking of health, we allow drug companies to overcharge for medicines so we can make a profit and we feed off the poor people. because you know, they have so much money to give us.
(that last paragraph was mostly sarcasm, if nobody noticed.)
this generation of selfish parents produce selfish children who grow up and shoot up their schools and drugs after school. children who care more about appearence than intelligence. children who will one day govern this country. children who will be teachers to teach the next generation of children how to be selfish.
after all, we learn from the best.
magazines promote selfishness. pick up any teen people or cosmo girl and youll see them telling you to always look out for yourself. speaking about how your pride is the most important thing in life, besides the size of your hips. why? who cares? everyone does. if your beautiful you're liked and if your liked then everythings ok withthe world. but suppose everyone likes you. you spend alot of time on yourself so that people will like you, you perfect that mask you put on every day so that people can see a glamorous you. and they like you and you like you but then what? isnt there something else to life? according to the media and the advertising industries there isnt. you are a souless being and should rely only on others' opinions of you to survive. you dont really care about them, you only care about how they see you. you will do anything you can to get them to see that mask you work so hard on. and so selfish individuals in a selfish society are intertwined in a big ball of i i i i i i i i i i i.
with that ball rolling, we have our all time snobs the politicians leading the way. elect me, pick me, look at me. its not an election for people leading our country, its a popularity contest. and in the end the politicians dont really care about their constituents, they care more about moving themselves up the government ladder, which gets more twisted every day.
and governments, talk about selfish. a glimpse into the future will show you how fucked up our governments are. they take away money from schools, medicare, support programs, welfare, environment, all the things that ensure a positive future, and they make them individualistic. god forbid the government take responsibility for its citizens. no, lets make sure we have plenty of oil, even if its going to be gone anyways, we want to make sure we get all thats left. lets cut school funding of art programs, which enrich children's minds, and cut teachers' salaries, who drill the information into their heads, so that we can kill those kids later on in a war. lets pour money into our "defense" system, all our branches of the military, so we can parade around the world protecting everyone. but just dont tell everyone that what we're really doing is being selfish, and making sure that we benefit from whatever help we provide. lets also kill the environment with our excess of trash, oil emissions, and just plain destruction so that we can have whatever percent less oxygen on our planet. that will make us so much healthier. and speaking of health, we allow drug companies to overcharge for medicines so we can make a profit and we feed off the poor people. because you know, they have so much money to give us.
(that last paragraph was mostly sarcasm, if nobody noticed.)
this generation of selfish parents produce selfish children who grow up and shoot up their schools and drugs after school. children who care more about appearence than intelligence. children who will one day govern this country. children who will be teachers to teach the next generation of children how to be selfish.
after all, we learn from the best.
11.08.2005
observation
when im meeting new people i always feel so selfish. its like all you ever do is talk about yourself. ever notice that? its true. but, what else are you going to talk about? its not like you have past experiences with the person you've just met, and you cant very well talk about them because you know nothing about them! so maybe its ok to be like that when you're meeting new people.
just a recent observation of a college freshman.
just a recent observation of a college freshman.
10.26.2005
a life in the hands of lightning
last night i was crying. im not sure who i am, but can anyone be really sure? this life we carry on with every day is so artificial, so masked that even if we knew ourselves deep inside, it would never really escape.
i was crying, and today im just pensive. but im not thinking much. sometimes its better that way. thinking hurts sometimes.
then last night i was praying, and for the first time in awhile i actually felt like i was really talking to god. "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" says Psalm 13. i was feeling like that the past week or so. and im not sure i can feel god with me entirely still.... but i know he's there somewhere. i know he loves me.
decisions are a bitch. especially big ones. but i dont think they have to be... i just make them that way. i make thinking such an exhausting process, but it doesnt need to be. i need to learn how to think simpler, then i think my life would be a whole lot easier. i also need to learn how to rely on god. thats a toughie.
i am feeling the sensation that something big and important is going on around me, something that i'm involved in, but i have no idea what it is. its like standing over an underground river, you can feel its there, but you cant actually see it. its driving me mad. but yet, its good to know that im part of something powerful and important.
10.16.2005
Issues.
i keep obsessing over the same boy. i mean, maybe there was a couple others i liked in between, but i obviously wasnt supposed to be with them. im not sure about this one. i hate being categorized under the same mindless stereotypes laid out for teenage girls, but sometimes, damnit, i fit in that shameful category. so.... im not just another silly girl with a crush... im girl learning how to be an woman with adult problems.
i... am... in... love with him. SO in love with him... and i dont know where its going to go. its very frustrating, because on one hand i feel like god is telling me that he is the man for me but to be patient... but then on the other hand i feel like he wants me to move on. but the funky thing is, i thought i was supposed to do that a year ago... and then i thought the same thing a few months before that. maybe i just dont know what god's saying anymore.... sigh. but i dont want to be wrong again.... i think three strikes and you're out.... i dont want to strike out. what if he is for me?
since i became a christian, i learned quite a few things about relationships. ive learned enough to set guidelines for myself... i dont think ive done this to be unfair to any one man, but rather to be satisfied when the time comes that i am with the true love im meant to be with.
numero uno, i absolutely believe that there is one man for every woman. sure in todays society women get married and divorced as quick as you could imagine.... but i think this is because they become impatient. in their search for love, they fear they'll never find it, so they rush to get married when they find someone, even if the decision is not completely thought out. i dont believe this is the answer, because it does lead to failed marriages, which is a complete slander on the wedding vows that each took towards each other when they got married. doesnt that mean you're afraid of commitment? and that your promises mean pretty much nothing?
numero dos, on a more personal note, i cannot marry a man who isnt a christian and believes along the same lines that i do. maybe that's closed minded of me, and if so, then i am. i am willing to be closed minded in this sense because marriage, based on numero uno, is forever. now, if im going to be living with, sharing with, commited to someone for the rest of my life, i feel that it is imperative that we share the same belief system. with me, my every day life is based on jesus in my life, now if my husband doesnt share that with me, we wont stay very close for long, will we? and if my christianity is going to separate me from my own husband, that marriage wont work. maybe it does for some, but i bet its hard. i just know i cant do it, with all the challenges to my faith every day, i need another spiritual person close to me, and a husband is the best example i can think of.
numero tres, i cannot and will not have sex before i am married. ive explained this already somewhere, i just dont remember where. probably written somewhere in a notebook... anyway. this is a BIG problem for me. lust is my weakness, and with the certain person i speak of in this, it has been a problem. ive seen the strongest of my christian friends fall to this weakness as well, and i think its not just me. but sex is too sacred of an act to be abused by doing it before marriage. no matter how much you love someone, even if you are soon to be married, i dont think its right to have sex with that person. sex is set apart by god to be something special husband and wife share. and to lose that sanctity.... i would feel devalued. just imagine getting married and having all the people you've had sex with standing up on the alter next to you. you've given a piece of yourself to each of them, and with pieces gone, you're cheating your future spouse out of getting all of you.
anyways, so i have a problem with one of these especially. i am in love with this man, amazingly, terribly, crazy in love. but he doesnt share the same beliefs i do. now... obviously this doesnt stop me from loving him... but it poses a problem for the future that ive pictured. i keep hoping he'll change... but i dont want him to change..... i dont know. i think he's beautiful. a beautiful person, with a wonderful perception of the world, of life, of love...but some things i guess i just dont understand. and he doesnt understand about me. and with this one thing separating us, one would think it wouldnt be sucha big deal. but, as ive said, my faith is my life. every day, i pray to god, i think about him in everything.... i have a tendancy to analyze people and situations (which may not be a good thing) and i always reference that to god. its tough not to be able to share those things with him. so i am at an impass... and ive certainly written a lot. so i shall pray.... thats the only thing i can think of doing, pray that some sort of solution can come of this.
i... am... in... love with him. SO in love with him... and i dont know where its going to go. its very frustrating, because on one hand i feel like god is telling me that he is the man for me but to be patient... but then on the other hand i feel like he wants me to move on. but the funky thing is, i thought i was supposed to do that a year ago... and then i thought the same thing a few months before that. maybe i just dont know what god's saying anymore.... sigh. but i dont want to be wrong again.... i think three strikes and you're out.... i dont want to strike out. what if he is for me?
since i became a christian, i learned quite a few things about relationships. ive learned enough to set guidelines for myself... i dont think ive done this to be unfair to any one man, but rather to be satisfied when the time comes that i am with the true love im meant to be with.
numero uno, i absolutely believe that there is one man for every woman. sure in todays society women get married and divorced as quick as you could imagine.... but i think this is because they become impatient. in their search for love, they fear they'll never find it, so they rush to get married when they find someone, even if the decision is not completely thought out. i dont believe this is the answer, because it does lead to failed marriages, which is a complete slander on the wedding vows that each took towards each other when they got married. doesnt that mean you're afraid of commitment? and that your promises mean pretty much nothing?
numero dos, on a more personal note, i cannot marry a man who isnt a christian and believes along the same lines that i do. maybe that's closed minded of me, and if so, then i am. i am willing to be closed minded in this sense because marriage, based on numero uno, is forever. now, if im going to be living with, sharing with, commited to someone for the rest of my life, i feel that it is imperative that we share the same belief system. with me, my every day life is based on jesus in my life, now if my husband doesnt share that with me, we wont stay very close for long, will we? and if my christianity is going to separate me from my own husband, that marriage wont work. maybe it does for some, but i bet its hard. i just know i cant do it, with all the challenges to my faith every day, i need another spiritual person close to me, and a husband is the best example i can think of.
numero tres, i cannot and will not have sex before i am married. ive explained this already somewhere, i just dont remember where. probably written somewhere in a notebook... anyway. this is a BIG problem for me. lust is my weakness, and with the certain person i speak of in this, it has been a problem. ive seen the strongest of my christian friends fall to this weakness as well, and i think its not just me. but sex is too sacred of an act to be abused by doing it before marriage. no matter how much you love someone, even if you are soon to be married, i dont think its right to have sex with that person. sex is set apart by god to be something special husband and wife share. and to lose that sanctity.... i would feel devalued. just imagine getting married and having all the people you've had sex with standing up on the alter next to you. you've given a piece of yourself to each of them, and with pieces gone, you're cheating your future spouse out of getting all of you.
anyways, so i have a problem with one of these especially. i am in love with this man, amazingly, terribly, crazy in love. but he doesnt share the same beliefs i do. now... obviously this doesnt stop me from loving him... but it poses a problem for the future that ive pictured. i keep hoping he'll change... but i dont want him to change..... i dont know. i think he's beautiful. a beautiful person, with a wonderful perception of the world, of life, of love...but some things i guess i just dont understand. and he doesnt understand about me. and with this one thing separating us, one would think it wouldnt be sucha big deal. but, as ive said, my faith is my life. every day, i pray to god, i think about him in everything.... i have a tendancy to analyze people and situations (which may not be a good thing) and i always reference that to god. its tough not to be able to share those things with him. so i am at an impass... and ive certainly written a lot. so i shall pray.... thats the only thing i can think of doing, pray that some sort of solution can come of this.
10.13.2005
forgotten soul
what the hell am i doing?
my mind races
im sick of this
i cant stand you
i dont know where you went
i still want to find you
so we can tell each other the truth
why did you hide?
what are these secrets?
im running away from this
i cant feel my breath
can you?
can you even see me?
im right in front of you
screaming in your face
can you feel me?
my hands on your face
you dont even know me
who am i?
you better know
because i seem to have forgotten
my mind races
im sick of this
i cant stand you
i dont know where you went
i still want to find you
so we can tell each other the truth
why did you hide?
what are these secrets?
im running away from this
i cant feel my breath
can you?
can you even see me?
im right in front of you
screaming in your face
can you feel me?
my hands on your face
you dont even know me
who am i?
you better know
because i seem to have forgotten
10.12.2005
what is it then?
what is love?
ive asked this before
we all know the answers,
to each our own.
so what is truth
and what should be kept
behind closed doors.
something that flutters
but doesnt fly away
i see it more
with each passing moment.
no hearts will break.
it will hold fast to empty air.
it makes me shudder
on my knees in prayer
the pain welling inside my chest
giving me a reason for tears
closing my eyes
i feel the searing
burning
intense
insane
amazing
emotional
frustrating answers.
i dont want to hear them
its all wrong
is it right?
confusion... chaos...
but all i see is your face
and all feeling is lost.
ive asked this before
we all know the answers,
to each our own.
so what is truth
and what should be kept
behind closed doors.
something that flutters
but doesnt fly away
i see it more
with each passing moment.
no hearts will break.
it will hold fast to empty air.
it makes me shudder
on my knees in prayer
the pain welling inside my chest
giving me a reason for tears
closing my eyes
i feel the searing
burning
intense
insane
amazing
emotional
frustrating answers.
i dont want to hear them
its all wrong
is it right?
confusion... chaos...
but all i see is your face
and all feeling is lost.
9.23.2005
a continuance of insanity
life goes on.
im at college.
i play tenor in jazz and symphonic bands.
and have realized how much i really suck.
one of my roommates is the heather type.
another is the gillian type.
and yet another is very much a krystn type.
but they all have their defining qualities.
which im sure ill eventually find out.
i have annoying allergies.
im going home today after i put gas in my car.
i had a weird dream last night about that very thing.
hm.
i love coffee.
ive had some every day since i moved here.
i fear addiction.
(but not really.)
*she whispers from a small corner of her brain.*
alas.........
my insanity continues!
im at college.
i play tenor in jazz and symphonic bands.
and have realized how much i really suck.
one of my roommates is the heather type.
another is the gillian type.
and yet another is very much a krystn type.
but they all have their defining qualities.
which im sure ill eventually find out.
i have annoying allergies.
im going home today after i put gas in my car.
i had a weird dream last night about that very thing.
hm.
i love coffee.
ive had some every day since i moved here.
i fear addiction.
(but not really.)
*she whispers from a small corner of her brain.*
alas.........
my insanity continues!
9.15.2005
eyes wide shut
wow. have you ever had one of those experiences where you're eyes are open, like wide open, but you feel like you could fall over. your whole body tingles and sounds are distorted in your ears. like you stayed up all night on a caffiene induced rush... yeah. thats how i feel right now. so i come on here and write when im all crazy, haha, great portrayal. i think it must be the ginseng. isnt that for energy? yeah, i had none this morning and my mom's like, " here, have some ginseng, itll help." because i had alot to do you know. and i still do. which is why its pretty stupid that im sitting here typing nonsense. oh well. i force you all to read. BWAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! oh well. i guess it must be interesting to read insanity. someone's mind exploding onto the screen. must be somewhat intriguing. and then you keep reading and reading before realizing that its completely pointless. yeah, sometimes ill go on myspace and read someone's tragic little emo blogs.... and then i stop and think... what the cow am i doing?! well... maybe not that thought exactly, but something like it. and im tired, so i cant keep sitting here for very much longer, because then my body will realize that its tired and cease to operate. hahahahaa..... thats whats happening. the ginseng made my mind awake and now its convincing my body that its also awake and so thats why im getting alot done today. i should take that stuff more often. :D anyhoos.... life goes on, in a fun way. ... another one bites the dust!...
"2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....11?"
"So you have eleven fingers?"
"... I guess so.." *looks confused* (nothing new)
(tee hee)
"2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....11?"
"So you have eleven fingers?"
"... I guess so.." *looks confused* (nothing new)
(tee hee)
8.25.2005
Love.
Hi. you know me. im just amber. im just the weird girl in school who made the cheesy jokes, but still managed to make you laugh. im the one who got along with the guys, and made fun of cheerleaders, even when they were standing right there. im the one who cried when i hurt someones feelings; im the one who had every hair color but blond. im the one who wore the mask of a silly smile, but was always dying for someone to take it off for.
you know me. but i dont know you. i dont, but i want to. i know you're out there: the people who have been afraid to talk to me, to share their real feelings, to tell me who you are. ive never been real sure why you're afraid, since im not much of a scary person. i think people have told me true things before; things that might have scared me away, or that might have hurt me. sometimes i didnt know what to think, but im pretty sure i didnt get mad. because even if you might not believe it, i love you.
yes you. you mean so much to me. every single person ive talked to and been around, everyone who's trusted me with a little bit of friendship, or even none at all. but i cant get mad at you, of course, i never want to. im not perfect, so i might get angry sometimes, but i still love you. and if you have anything you want to say to me, i want you to say it. i want you to tell me whats been going wrong, whats been going right and everything in between. i love you, and i want to help. even if i have nothing to say, ill listen. ill do anything i can. so please. im right here. a phone call, a walk down the street, or an email away. i love you. just let me know who you are.
you know me. but i dont know you. i dont, but i want to. i know you're out there: the people who have been afraid to talk to me, to share their real feelings, to tell me who you are. ive never been real sure why you're afraid, since im not much of a scary person. i think people have told me true things before; things that might have scared me away, or that might have hurt me. sometimes i didnt know what to think, but im pretty sure i didnt get mad. because even if you might not believe it, i love you.
yes you. you mean so much to me. every single person ive talked to and been around, everyone who's trusted me with a little bit of friendship, or even none at all. but i cant get mad at you, of course, i never want to. im not perfect, so i might get angry sometimes, but i still love you. and if you have anything you want to say to me, i want you to say it. i want you to tell me whats been going wrong, whats been going right and everything in between. i love you, and i want to help. even if i have nothing to say, ill listen. ill do anything i can. so please. im right here. a phone call, a walk down the street, or an email away. i love you. just let me know who you are.
8.04.2005
isaiah 49:15
"Rain; Lord we thirst for water.
Rain; we are desert land.
Rain on your sons and daughters.
Rain; bring your rain again." ~ Day of Fire: Rain song
i am thirsty for more of god and i close my eyes and feel his love washing over me. this is the serenity that i love about Him.
my mom has been on my mind for quite awhile now, since graduation, and before. i really miss her. but not miss her in the sense of physically seeing her, or even hearing her voice, i miss what i feel i havent had.
isaiah 49:15 says: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you."
this verse comforts me, because i know god fills that unfillable void in my heart, but at the same time, i feel there is still a hole. my mom has been missing. i know she loves me, and thinks about me but there have been things that have kept her from truly knowing me, and seeking to be my mother. she's put herself before everything, which i regret for her sake because of the misery im sure it has brought her.
i dont want to bring her misery, and i just wrote her a letter telling her how i dont want to talk about my dad with her. its not for us to discuss. i just think my mom is angry, and she cant let go of the pain she's felt for so many years.
(i think of myself as a analytical thinker; i think of everything psychologically which isn't always a positive thing because i find myself analyzing everything; peoples emotions and actions. im not sure if im accurate in this sense, so usually i try to keep my mouth shut, but some feelings i think i need to express.)
i feel like my mom keeps alot inside, and always has, because she's always been reluctant to talk about anything. her approach to problems is to ignore them and hope they will go away. though its temporary relief, it doesn't last and all the things she's ignored over the past are catching up with her. this seems to be the reason she keeps bringing up her divorce with me, and other things that i dont need to discuss with her. those wounds have healed with me because ive talked about it over and over again. i wish my mom could do the same.
i pray for her, because im not sure what to do. i feel like if i say anything to her she'll take it in the wrong way. i simply love her and want a relationship with her.
Rain; we are desert land.
Rain on your sons and daughters.
Rain; bring your rain again." ~ Day of Fire: Rain song
i am thirsty for more of god and i close my eyes and feel his love washing over me. this is the serenity that i love about Him.
my mom has been on my mind for quite awhile now, since graduation, and before. i really miss her. but not miss her in the sense of physically seeing her, or even hearing her voice, i miss what i feel i havent had.
isaiah 49:15 says: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you."
this verse comforts me, because i know god fills that unfillable void in my heart, but at the same time, i feel there is still a hole. my mom has been missing. i know she loves me, and thinks about me but there have been things that have kept her from truly knowing me, and seeking to be my mother. she's put herself before everything, which i regret for her sake because of the misery im sure it has brought her.
i dont want to bring her misery, and i just wrote her a letter telling her how i dont want to talk about my dad with her. its not for us to discuss. i just think my mom is angry, and she cant let go of the pain she's felt for so many years.
(i think of myself as a analytical thinker; i think of everything psychologically which isn't always a positive thing because i find myself analyzing everything; peoples emotions and actions. im not sure if im accurate in this sense, so usually i try to keep my mouth shut, but some feelings i think i need to express.)
i feel like my mom keeps alot inside, and always has, because she's always been reluctant to talk about anything. her approach to problems is to ignore them and hope they will go away. though its temporary relief, it doesn't last and all the things she's ignored over the past are catching up with her. this seems to be the reason she keeps bringing up her divorce with me, and other things that i dont need to discuss with her. those wounds have healed with me because ive talked about it over and over again. i wish my mom could do the same.
i pray for her, because im not sure what to do. i feel like if i say anything to her she'll take it in the wrong way. i simply love her and want a relationship with her.
7.22.2005
Mostly Smitten ;)
mood: smitten and pissed off
Two particularly strange emotions blending together are making my head whirl around in circles. lets start with nummer zwei...
i am sick and tired of the misconception that life revolves around sex. who's getting some from who, and who's hot and who's not, and movies that seem to always have to have a sex scene in them... it just drives me crazy! sex is everywhere! its on tv, its at work, its at school, its on the computer, its in commercials, its in magazines, in books, on the radio... everywhere. and i just dont understand what's so damn important about sex that everybody makes such a big deal of it.
sex has been made as casual an encoutner as one shaking hands with another. its like, people meet and like each other, and immediately its, "oh, lets have sex." its been made and essential part of relationships, even in high school. you can't seem to talk to someone in a relationship without hearing something about their sex life.
now, for all you reading this and scoffing at my naivety: yes, i am a virgin, and very proud of it. i dont need sex in my life to feel confident with myself; it certianly wouldnt help with my well being. however, i know that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing, even if ive never experienced it. but there's a major thing wrong with all the world's view of sex.
sex was not meant for unmarried people. because marriage is a covenant of love between a man and a woman meant to last forever, sex is safe and beautiful for these people because it is of love. all other sex and sexual desires are derived from lust. lust is one of the worst sins, in my opinion, because it is so difficult to break. and it consumes people, drives them mad. people become so crazy from this that they will pay someone to satisfy this urge... its amazing what money can buy. lust tears people apart... which is something i think the majority of the world doesn't understand. i think everyone wants to have sex, its just a matter of when and with who. if you want it to be special as god made it to be, be patient... god will lead you the right way.
as to nummer eins on my emotions... im not too sure what to say about it. my friends and family laugh at me, but i smile quietly (though about to burst with joy) at the mere thought of the boy down the street. *sigh* and i thought i was through with him... just being in his presence makes me so happy..... i dont understand. hahahhaaa. im so retarded...
Two particularly strange emotions blending together are making my head whirl around in circles. lets start with nummer zwei...
i am sick and tired of the misconception that life revolves around sex. who's getting some from who, and who's hot and who's not, and movies that seem to always have to have a sex scene in them... it just drives me crazy! sex is everywhere! its on tv, its at work, its at school, its on the computer, its in commercials, its in magazines, in books, on the radio... everywhere. and i just dont understand what's so damn important about sex that everybody makes such a big deal of it.
sex has been made as casual an encoutner as one shaking hands with another. its like, people meet and like each other, and immediately its, "oh, lets have sex." its been made and essential part of relationships, even in high school. you can't seem to talk to someone in a relationship without hearing something about their sex life.
now, for all you reading this and scoffing at my naivety: yes, i am a virgin, and very proud of it. i dont need sex in my life to feel confident with myself; it certianly wouldnt help with my well being. however, i know that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing, even if ive never experienced it. but there's a major thing wrong with all the world's view of sex.
sex was not meant for unmarried people. because marriage is a covenant of love between a man and a woman meant to last forever, sex is safe and beautiful for these people because it is of love. all other sex and sexual desires are derived from lust. lust is one of the worst sins, in my opinion, because it is so difficult to break. and it consumes people, drives them mad. people become so crazy from this that they will pay someone to satisfy this urge... its amazing what money can buy. lust tears people apart... which is something i think the majority of the world doesn't understand. i think everyone wants to have sex, its just a matter of when and with who. if you want it to be special as god made it to be, be patient... god will lead you the right way.
as to nummer eins on my emotions... im not too sure what to say about it. my friends and family laugh at me, but i smile quietly (though about to burst with joy) at the mere thought of the boy down the street. *sigh* and i thought i was through with him... just being in his presence makes me so happy..... i dont understand. hahahhaaa. im so retarded...
7.19.2005
Summer crawls
my beautiful baby sister, isabelle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I usually enjoy summer, except for the intolerable heat, in which i am about to go mow the lawn in. but this summer is different. i seem to have an ever changing view of life, and though i am appreciating my family more than i ever have before (my biological family, and the extra family god's given me), i just feel like im stuck in between. yes ive graduated high school, but i havent started college yet. im not too fond of prolongued transition periods.
but alas, god is always trying to teach me something, even when im not feeling very suseptable to it. i am ready to ascend to semi-adult life and be without parents watching me. i think the reason this is, for me, is because though the ones who have raised me wont be doing it anymore, the One who created me will walk with me, and at times carry me, until i live no more on this world. i know He'll be there, and thats all the comforting i really need.
vicki and roger joke around with me (with sincere concern in their voices) about the city people converting me to a lesbian or an athiest, stacy worries in extreme about my driving, and my parents worry about my money management. the only aspect the next level im slightly worried about is the classes and homework, because i know that being vigilant in my studies, though i have the capacity to understand them, has never been much of a strength for me. people think i did so well in school, but within myself, i know im capable of much more. i could be a becky or a gillian, but i instead found other things i unconciously deemed more important. like friends and artwork for example ;).
i am praying with all my might for god to soothe my heart, and make me "lie down in greener pastures", my life here at home. i know i have to enjoy this while it lasts since it is ever fleeting, even when my independent adolescent desires are screaming to be set free.
*and she beats back the angry, rebellious teenager inside herself, and begins to win...*
7.16.2005
why?
Why can't i sleep
when i stay up and stare at this
mindless screen.
why cant i breathe
when im gulping for air
at the bottom of this cloudy ravine.
why cant i listen
to the cries of lonely ones and i
cant sleep cuz i hear them repeating in my head.
why cant i fall
when im teetering at the edge
of the ravine that holds and swallows the dead.
why cant i cry
when the time seems just right
and all of my pride seems at its end.
why cant i stop
when im going round in circles
trying to find where the golden trail ascends.
why cant i look
when theres such beauty around me
and all that it needs is attention.
when i stay up and stare at this
mindless screen.
why cant i breathe
when im gulping for air
at the bottom of this cloudy ravine.
why cant i listen
to the cries of lonely ones and i
cant sleep cuz i hear them repeating in my head.
why cant i fall
when im teetering at the edge
of the ravine that holds and swallows the dead.
why cant i cry
when the time seems just right
and all of my pride seems at its end.
why cant i stop
when im going round in circles
trying to find where the golden trail ascends.
why cant i look
when theres such beauty around me
and all that it needs is attention.
6.26.2005
6.19.2005
the crucifix
Lately, well, for the last year or so, ive become very sick of seeing people who don't believe or practice christianity wearing crosses. and this, among other things, is what gives christians a bad name. people see the cross and associate that symbol with jesus and christianity, but then when they see the bearer living his/her life in a way that contradicts christian priniples, they assume a false impression on what christianity really is.
Now, I'm a firm believer in sincerity. If you're going to tell me anything at all about the way you believe or what you think is right, you better be sincere and sure about it. even if you might be wrong, or if i believe you to be wrong, i'll have a whole lot more respect for you if you are completely sure about it. my little sister who can't read will tell me with complete confidence that the lines and scribbles on her paper say her name. and though i see that it doesn't, how can i argue with her when she's so sure? if you are going to believe in something, and i cannot possible convince you otherwise, so be it. i may offer my opinion, but i won't argue, as long as you're sincere. because if you're not, im going to question you.
i can accept what you believe as long as you have a good reason to back it up. and if you tell me you're a christian, but go party every weekend and slander people daily, then im not going to take you very seriously. i know im not perfect, and neither is anyone else, so im not going to judge anyone for being imperfect. i do think its wrong, however, if you try to convince others of your perfection, since we all know its just a mask. if you can admit that you've made a mistake, i have a lot more respect for you than if you try to hold onto your pride. what's the point in lying anyways?
i believe christianity is not a lie. i feel naked if im not wearing my cross, because i feel it represents me and what i believe to be true. it gives me strength and reassurance to know that jesus is always with me, and i think the cross is not only a reminder of that to me, but to anyone else who meets me. it represents what i worship, and i am proud to bear it.
it is discouraging and encouraging at the same time to see so many others wearing crosses. sometimes i look at people wearing the cross and wonder if they truly understand the meaning of it. i feel if they did, they would at least hesitate at some of the actions they practice. and as i said, i can understand imperfection, christians are not perfect. and most of us admit to that. but if you are outspoken against christianity, both in words and actions, why wear something that represents what you are against? i guess it just doesnt make sense to me. and it gives those who are sincere about what they believe a bad name.
i've heard christians slandered a lot, and i think if some of the people doing so really knew what christianity was all about, they would think twice before talking against it. im not the best at explaining things in extent, but i know that being a christian is all about being in love. when you choose god, it's all about love. He's loved you your whole life, and is just waiting for you to love him back. becoming a christian means that you believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins and rose from the dead. and what's great about that is, thats all He wants you to do: love him, and believe that He is real. god wants you to choose him, that's why he granted us free will. because only by choosing him will you know how to love him. if He made us involuntarily love him, it wouldn't really be love, because we'd know nothing else.
*sigh* i said i wasnt very good at explaining things. http://www.klove.com can explain it alot better.
think twice the next time you see someone wearing a cross, or the next time you put on your own. it really does mean something to someone, even if it means nothing to you.
Now, I'm a firm believer in sincerity. If you're going to tell me anything at all about the way you believe or what you think is right, you better be sincere and sure about it. even if you might be wrong, or if i believe you to be wrong, i'll have a whole lot more respect for you if you are completely sure about it. my little sister who can't read will tell me with complete confidence that the lines and scribbles on her paper say her name. and though i see that it doesn't, how can i argue with her when she's so sure? if you are going to believe in something, and i cannot possible convince you otherwise, so be it. i may offer my opinion, but i won't argue, as long as you're sincere. because if you're not, im going to question you.
i can accept what you believe as long as you have a good reason to back it up. and if you tell me you're a christian, but go party every weekend and slander people daily, then im not going to take you very seriously. i know im not perfect, and neither is anyone else, so im not going to judge anyone for being imperfect. i do think its wrong, however, if you try to convince others of your perfection, since we all know its just a mask. if you can admit that you've made a mistake, i have a lot more respect for you than if you try to hold onto your pride. what's the point in lying anyways?
i believe christianity is not a lie. i feel naked if im not wearing my cross, because i feel it represents me and what i believe to be true. it gives me strength and reassurance to know that jesus is always with me, and i think the cross is not only a reminder of that to me, but to anyone else who meets me. it represents what i worship, and i am proud to bear it.
it is discouraging and encouraging at the same time to see so many others wearing crosses. sometimes i look at people wearing the cross and wonder if they truly understand the meaning of it. i feel if they did, they would at least hesitate at some of the actions they practice. and as i said, i can understand imperfection, christians are not perfect. and most of us admit to that. but if you are outspoken against christianity, both in words and actions, why wear something that represents what you are against? i guess it just doesnt make sense to me. and it gives those who are sincere about what they believe a bad name.
i've heard christians slandered a lot, and i think if some of the people doing so really knew what christianity was all about, they would think twice before talking against it. im not the best at explaining things in extent, but i know that being a christian is all about being in love. when you choose god, it's all about love. He's loved you your whole life, and is just waiting for you to love him back. becoming a christian means that you believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins and rose from the dead. and what's great about that is, thats all He wants you to do: love him, and believe that He is real. god wants you to choose him, that's why he granted us free will. because only by choosing him will you know how to love him. if He made us involuntarily love him, it wouldn't really be love, because we'd know nothing else.
*sigh* i said i wasnt very good at explaining things. http://www.klove.com can explain it alot better.
think twice the next time you see someone wearing a cross, or the next time you put on your own. it really does mean something to someone, even if it means nothing to you.
6.07.2005
Graduation
So... here it comes, ominously over the hill of adolescent life. because, as we all know, graduation is the peak of being a teenager. besides the significant birthdays (usually 13, 16 and 18 and 15 if you're mexican) and getting a drivers license (and a car to go with it), there is nothing else to look forward to but graduating from high school and getting the hell OUT of your parents' house, because the average spoiled brat teenager is perfectly prepared to move out and live on their own. no. this statement is extremely untrue for most, and its annoying to see the "my mommy and daddy buy me an expensive car and a cell phone and new clothes every week and..." kind of person lecture me or their parents for that matter, about letting them handle their own life because they know how to be "independent".
I'm sick of coddled children who havent, in their parents eyes, grown in maturity past grade school. these kids who drive to parties in their new mustangs and drink to pretend they know about life and its difficulties, and smoke to "relax" or feel like you're part of something the cool kids do. but all the cool kids do is because they're messed up in the head, or their parents abused them in some way and they do it to cope, and though that still isnt an excuse, its what they found to get away from their less than perfect life. and when the spoiled average teenager gets ahold of this "cool" stuff and then talks to the "cool" kid like they understand what they're going through..... its just blasphemy. and it doesnt make any sense to me. because neither of these social groups have realized that there really is more than their clothes and cars and cigarettes. maybe if they'd be a little less wrapped up in themselves, they'd realize there's people out there who... *gasp* ...have a much worse life than they do.
Yes, i'm not perfect. but i dont base my life around my car, and my weekends, and my money. and im glad my parents have managed to teach me something about life, even if i didnt listen most of the time. im thankful for everything i have, and i dont need alcohol and drugs and nice stuff to be thankful. im ok just the way i am because god loves me like that.
so anyways.... graduation :) almost over the hill of high school, and what an annoying and big hill it was.
I'm sick of coddled children who havent, in their parents eyes, grown in maturity past grade school. these kids who drive to parties in their new mustangs and drink to pretend they know about life and its difficulties, and smoke to "relax" or feel like you're part of something the cool kids do. but all the cool kids do is because they're messed up in the head, or their parents abused them in some way and they do it to cope, and though that still isnt an excuse, its what they found to get away from their less than perfect life. and when the spoiled average teenager gets ahold of this "cool" stuff and then talks to the "cool" kid like they understand what they're going through..... its just blasphemy. and it doesnt make any sense to me. because neither of these social groups have realized that there really is more than their clothes and cars and cigarettes. maybe if they'd be a little less wrapped up in themselves, they'd realize there's people out there who... *gasp* ...have a much worse life than they do.
Yes, i'm not perfect. but i dont base my life around my car, and my weekends, and my money. and im glad my parents have managed to teach me something about life, even if i didnt listen most of the time. im thankful for everything i have, and i dont need alcohol and drugs and nice stuff to be thankful. im ok just the way i am because god loves me like that.
so anyways.... graduation :) almost over the hill of high school, and what an annoying and big hill it was.
6.06.2005
I DONT CARE
i have this love
that never dies
it hears me when i want to cry
i dont care what you think of me
I DONT CARE
leave me alone
to sleep in the hope
i've made in this love
it sees me through
the darkened nights
and obswcurely sunlit days
forever and ever
it never fades
even when you taunt me so
you're the reason i cry, you know
when i want to scream
"i want to die!"
i know you dont hear me
you dont have to
i dont need you to tell me
anymore of these lies
i dont need to listen to you anymore
and i never should have
what you have to give
and what you take away
can't compare to what ive found
in this love.
that never dies
it hears me when i want to cry
i dont care what you think of me
I DONT CARE
leave me alone
to sleep in the hope
i've made in this love
it sees me through
the darkened nights
and obswcurely sunlit days
forever and ever
it never fades
even when you taunt me so
you're the reason i cry, you know
when i want to scream
"i want to die!"
i know you dont hear me
you dont have to
i dont need you to tell me
anymore of these lies
i dont need to listen to you anymore
and i never should have
what you have to give
and what you take away
can't compare to what ive found
in this love.
6.03.2005
Imperfection
What I've come to realize these past few months, as my high school life dwindles, is that i am a very imperfect human being. and though ive said this numerous times to myself and others, i never really had the full understanding of this concept until recently. and the road to realization has been rocky.
Imperfection is not something to be scowled at, though i, by no means, am accepting of this all the time. and its tough to realize that you, and everyone else around you, are not perfect. i think this concept has been drilled into the minds of young people: that all should desire this perfection. and of course, one should always strive to be better, but not to the extent that it hurts oneself and those around him/her.
i know people who scorn others for traits they have no control over. people are slandered, disrespected, spit on, cursed at, shouted at, lied about, lied to, gossiped about, and other useless insults. ive seen so much hate in this high school; almost too much to handle. and sometimes i get so frustrated by it all, because i sometimes find myself caught in that trap as well, especially by the fact that there's really nothing i can do about it. and i want to do something. i want to make people see that to be what they want to be, they don't have to put others down. and it hurts me so much to see students judged on a daily basis by those who have no ability or right to judge anything in the first place.
i dont understand, and hardly have the capacity to. i trust in god, and there's not much more i can do. im learning how to do this all the time, and these past couple days, i've been so happy. the joy god gives me in inexplicable. and ive realized, that i dont have to explain it. i dont have to listen to what the rest of the world says, and i dont have to be like them. its taken me awhile, but im finally finding my way. and i wish that for all others as well.
Imperfection is not something to be scowled at, though i, by no means, am accepting of this all the time. and its tough to realize that you, and everyone else around you, are not perfect. i think this concept has been drilled into the minds of young people: that all should desire this perfection. and of course, one should always strive to be better, but not to the extent that it hurts oneself and those around him/her.
i know people who scorn others for traits they have no control over. people are slandered, disrespected, spit on, cursed at, shouted at, lied about, lied to, gossiped about, and other useless insults. ive seen so much hate in this high school; almost too much to handle. and sometimes i get so frustrated by it all, because i sometimes find myself caught in that trap as well, especially by the fact that there's really nothing i can do about it. and i want to do something. i want to make people see that to be what they want to be, they don't have to put others down. and it hurts me so much to see students judged on a daily basis by those who have no ability or right to judge anything in the first place.
i dont understand, and hardly have the capacity to. i trust in god, and there's not much more i can do. im learning how to do this all the time, and these past couple days, i've been so happy. the joy god gives me in inexplicable. and ive realized, that i dont have to explain it. i dont have to listen to what the rest of the world says, and i dont have to be like them. its taken me awhile, but im finally finding my way. and i wish that for all others as well.
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