Impossible

I can't fill everyone's expectations. I become overwhelmed by all these things I'm expected to do. But thats just a part of life, expectations. I guess I expect things of others as well. But nothing big. I just expect my friends to be loyal and to trust me. And my family... I can't expect much of them, or rather I don't have to. They have always been so good to me and I could never expect more than their unconditional love. I just feel so confused right now about what I'm supposed to do and who I am and what I want. And what I should have. I think I have more expectations of him that I don't communicate to him. I feel like some things in life should just happen and shouldn't need to be spelled out. I don't feel like we should try really hard to get along, and we shouldn't have to make an extra effort to enjoy being together. We don't have to try too hard, but I just wonder if the issues we have are common ones just for people to have... maybe I just don't know what it is to be in a real relationship. I love him, but I feel like his love and my love for him has been distracting me from God, and that's not how it should be. If I'm having doubts, in my grand ideal philosophy, then we shouldn't be together in the first place. Not if what we're both looking for is a long term relationship that results in marriage. I don't know if I could marry him. Not that he's not a wonderful man in so many ways, but maybe we're just not compatible enough. But I can't get up enough gumption to look in his beautiful eyes and tell him it has to end. I do enjoy being with him, but I just get stressed out and doubtful and don't know what is right.

One time I said to a friend in middle school that I expected that I might have sex in college, but not before then. I figured I'd wait until I was mature enough to handle it. But then when I became a Christian, I realized how terrible that was to expect of myself, and I promised that I would wait for the right man and marriage. Even after I became a Christian, somehow I knew I wouldn't wait. I figured there would come a time when I couldn't resist the temptation. Because I knew myself. I may have been less mature then, but I paid more attention to myself and what God was doing for me. I hated to think that girls could have the same expectations as me, or perhaps lesser ones. Some girls don't wait, or don't even feel the need. We are so fragile in our emotions, even if we are outwardly strong. Inside every woman, no matter her age, is a fragile, needy center that sometimes never gets fulfilled. Women of God know that they don't need a man to fill that need, but they still struggle with the world's view of life.

What am I doing? Where did I disappear into the world? How did I become a part of them again? Why do I fill my life with replacements? They are all nothing compared to the fulfillment God provides. Why can't I find the strength to break away? Why do I cling to things that hinder me? I envy those who are deeply involved in their churches and have peace of mind. Those who have that peace in their life. I know my struggle is nothing. But it's my nothing. And I have to figure it out. I have to invite God back, if he'll have me.