i also have livejournal now, because i'm that lame

here it is.

i'm not sure how much more ill be posting here or there... but if you're interested, mostly ive been posting publicly on lj. if you want to join and be extra pathetic like me, ill be your friend :)

peace,
a.rose

wandering

im still wandering. just like anyone else, i suppose. but sometimes i look at people who look like they have it all together with envy. i dont think i even look like i have it all together. but then, maybe i do. maybe the same people i jealously look upon are looking at me with the same feelings. i hope not. i am just as lost as anyone, it would do no good to follow me.

i dont understand why some things make me so angry. i shouldnt let stuff get to me. i know it doesnt matter. i know that at the end of the day god will still be there waiting for me to listen. just waiting. but i still ignore and go another direction. i still get frustrated at stupid situations and awkward actions. i hate that i dont know what to say. i always think that maybe if i did know exactly what i need to say then it will make life go so much smoother. if i had a script like life is some sort of theatre production. it kind of is.

but i dont want to act. i dont want anyone to look at me. i want to just disappear and leave life to people who dont act so stupid. i just dont like waiting for things to happen. im very impatient. i like to know whats going on. but even if i did i feel like there would still be something that bothered me. some extra desire for control. i shouldnt have that. i should just stop.

static

sometimes thinking hurts. or makes you feel like nothing. or feel nothing. if there's too much to think about and it all gets bunched together that you feel a little insane for trying to interperet it all... then its just like static. a bunch of fragments whizzing around, going nowhere, telling you nothing, only that they exist. i miss organized thinking. i dont like not knowing the answers. i dont like being in the dark. except... everything is dark. i just dont pay attention to it. i can only see the material things, not what really matters. i dont know about all that. why should i feel trapped in a box if something in particular is hidden from me. i should be used to it by now.