a life in the hands of lightning

last night i was crying. im not sure who i am, but can anyone be really sure? this life we carry on with every day is so artificial, so masked that even if we knew ourselves deep inside, it would never really escape.

i was crying, and today im just pensive. but im not thinking much. sometimes its better that way. thinking hurts sometimes.

then last night i was praying, and for the first time in awhile i actually felt like i was really talking to god. "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" says Psalm 13. i was feeling like that the past week or so. and im not sure i can feel god with me entirely still.... but i know he's there somewhere. i know he loves me.

decisions are a bitch. especially big ones. but i dont think they have to be... i just make them that way. i make thinking such an exhausting process, but it doesnt need to be. i need to learn how to think simpler, then i think my life would be a whole lot easier. i also need to learn how to rely on god. thats a toughie.

i am feeling the sensation that something big and important is going on around me, something that i'm involved in, but i have no idea what it is. its like standing over an underground river, you can feel its there, but you cant actually see it. its driving me mad. but yet, its good to know that im part of something powerful and important.