Love.

Hi. you know me. im just amber. im just the weird girl in school who made the cheesy jokes, but still managed to make you laugh. im the one who got along with the guys, and made fun of cheerleaders, even when they were standing right there. im the one who cried when i hurt someones feelings; im the one who had every hair color but blond. im the one who wore the mask of a silly smile, but was always dying for someone to take it off for.

you know me. but i dont know you. i dont, but i want to. i know you're out there: the people who have been afraid to talk to me, to share their real feelings, to tell me who you are. ive never been real sure why you're afraid, since im not much of a scary person. i think people have told me true things before; things that might have scared me away, or that might have hurt me. sometimes i didnt know what to think, but im pretty sure i didnt get mad. because even if you might not believe it, i love you.

yes you. you mean so much to me. every single person ive talked to and been around, everyone who's trusted me with a little bit of friendship, or even none at all. but i cant get mad at you, of course, i never want to. im not perfect, so i might get angry sometimes, but i still love you. and if you have anything you want to say to me, i want you to say it. i want you to tell me whats been going wrong, whats been going right and everything in between. i love you, and i want to help. even if i have nothing to say, ill listen. ill do anything i can. so please. im right here. a phone call, a walk down the street, or an email away. i love you. just let me know who you are.

isaiah 49:15

"Rain; Lord we thirst for water.
Rain; we are desert land.
Rain on your sons and daughters.
Rain; bring your rain again." ~ Day of Fire: Rain song

i am thirsty for more of god and i close my eyes and feel his love washing over me. this is the serenity that i love about Him.

my mom has been on my mind for quite awhile now, since graduation, and before. i really miss her. but not miss her in the sense of physically seeing her, or even hearing her voice, i miss what i feel i havent had.

isaiah 49:15 says: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you."

this verse comforts me, because i know god fills that unfillable void in my heart, but at the same time, i feel there is still a hole. my mom has been missing. i know she loves me, and thinks about me but there have been things that have kept her from truly knowing me, and seeking to be my mother. she's put herself before everything, which i regret for her sake because of the misery im sure it has brought her.

i dont want to bring her misery, and i just wrote her a letter telling her how i dont want to talk about my dad with her. its not for us to discuss. i just think my mom is angry, and she cant let go of the pain she's felt for so many years.

(i think of myself as a analytical thinker; i think of everything psychologically which isn't always a positive thing because i find myself analyzing everything; peoples emotions and actions. im not sure if im accurate in this sense, so usually i try to keep my mouth shut, but some feelings i think i need to express.)

i feel like my mom keeps alot inside, and always has, because she's always been reluctant to talk about anything. her approach to problems is to ignore them and hope they will go away. though its temporary relief, it doesn't last and all the things she's ignored over the past are catching up with her. this seems to be the reason she keeps bringing up her divorce with me, and other things that i dont need to discuss with her. those wounds have healed with me because ive talked about it over and over again. i wish my mom could do the same.

i pray for her, because im not sure what to do. i feel like if i say anything to her she'll take it in the wrong way. i simply love her and want a relationship with her.