4/15/07 03:38 pm -
so sometimes i read through stuff that i have written in the past, and i realize a couple things: i am exactly the same as i always have been. i guess that kind of makes sense. though it seems weird that i would stay the same despite all the things that happen around me, but its really true. i worry about the same things, i make the same stupid mistakes and i find the same joys that i always have. its kinda frustrating at times to look back and realize that i STILL haven't learned from my mistakes. and so, despite the changes around me, i stay the same.
i know that doesnt make sense, but in my bizzare alternate universe, its crystal clear.
i also realize that though i am the same, i continue to learn things. so here's my theory about life, for those who care to hear. i think we are created to continue. i think that there are things that remain the same about us, but we are always challenging them and questioning them. and because of this we grow. since we're not perfect, i dont think anyone can completely overcome his or her faults, but that doesn't stop us from trying. and we can never stop; we're always in progress. in progress, yet perfectly complete. that's definately god that makes me feel complete tho.... he's pretty much the only good thing about me. i dont always acknowledge it or appreciate it, but if anything is constant and true in life, its him.
12.29.2007
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
4/29/07 03:08 pm -
I would hug you and kiss you and tell you what you mean to me. I would be ridiculously silly. You would not laugh at my lame jokes because I no longer care what you think of them. I would tell all everyone I meet about my Savior and what he's done in my life, and I would know all the words to say. I would trust him without restraint, and worship him every moment of the day. I would be scolded and frowned upon for making light of the darkness and for standing when everyone else lies down. I would humbly remind you that I am not perfect, but that I will love you the best I can. I would not apologize for the bluntness of my artwork, and would paint until my hands cramp. I would no longer sit in front of the television just because you want me to, letting my precious brainwaves slip away. I would tell my parents everything about me I don't want them to know because I love them and want the best for them. I would break the ice with you much more smoothly, and make a fool out of myself and not care about the consequences, because if you really love me you won't care either.
I would hug you and kiss you and tell you what you mean to me. I would be ridiculously silly. You would not laugh at my lame jokes because I no longer care what you think of them. I would tell all everyone I meet about my Savior and what he's done in my life, and I would know all the words to say. I would trust him without restraint, and worship him every moment of the day. I would be scolded and frowned upon for making light of the darkness and for standing when everyone else lies down. I would humbly remind you that I am not perfect, but that I will love you the best I can. I would not apologize for the bluntness of my artwork, and would paint until my hands cramp. I would no longer sit in front of the television just because you want me to, letting my precious brainwaves slip away. I would tell my parents everything about me I don't want them to know because I love them and want the best for them. I would break the ice with you much more smoothly, and make a fool out of myself and not care about the consequences, because if you really love me you won't care either.
How I will change the world?
4/29/07 03:53 pm
I think art is an entity meant to be shared with and made by everyone in the world. I want to show people that they can use what they learn from art in all areas of life. Every child should learn how important art is, so he or she can remember to imagine as he/she grows. Since all art is just applied creativity, one only needs to get to know one's imagination. People get too caught up in making a piece of art look "good", or what they are taught to think is good. Yes, it is important to learn methods and processes but not at the expense of barring creative thought. I want to teach people about the personality of art. I want to visit Africa and teach children how to draw and make a painting of their beauty. I want to make art that puts my love for God up on display. My soul is emptied onto the canvas with every masterpiece, then immediately filled up again with the Spirit. When I show the world my artwork, I don't want them to think for one second that it is mine. I can't get cocky. My art is created by God and owned by everyone. I want to make a masterpiece the whole world can appreciate, and then do it over and over again.
I think art is an entity meant to be shared with and made by everyone in the world. I want to show people that they can use what they learn from art in all areas of life. Every child should learn how important art is, so he or she can remember to imagine as he/she grows. Since all art is just applied creativity, one only needs to get to know one's imagination. People get too caught up in making a piece of art look "good", or what they are taught to think is good. Yes, it is important to learn methods and processes but not at the expense of barring creative thought. I want to teach people about the personality of art. I want to visit Africa and teach children how to draw and make a painting of their beauty. I want to make art that puts my love for God up on display. My soul is emptied onto the canvas with every masterpiece, then immediately filled up again with the Spirit. When I show the world my artwork, I don't want them to think for one second that it is mine. I can't get cocky. My art is created by God and owned by everyone. I want to make a masterpiece the whole world can appreciate, and then do it over and over again.
Nostalgia
7/19/07 02:32 pm
looking at klamath falls on google maps, i have found the house i used to live in, and the elementary school i grew up in. the route i walked to school: up the gravel driveway (that i once face planted into off my bike), walk along the highway careful to stay away from the fast cars, under the graffiti'd overpass (i found a "secret" path that led me on the dirt instead of the asphalt road), then take a right turn and cut across the field to the school. i walked that way so many times. its weird that i havent thought about klamath falls in such a long time and yet it's still so etched in my mind. and i found the street both my best friends lived on and one of the streets on the way to the skating rink. so weird. its like i was on another planet in someone else's body. haha... i remember walking home from school one day with a couple acquaintences, one of them a 5th grader who taught me how to swear... like i would be cool if i did. man, i was kind of a dumb kid, haha. and my best friend bri got jealous right before i moved away of my other best friend adam... but i dont quite remember why. sometimes i wonder what they're up to now. did they go to college? i should look them up. not like id expect us to be instant best friends again or something, just out of curiosity. ah nostalgia. im not sure how i feel about it.
looking at klamath falls on google maps, i have found the house i used to live in, and the elementary school i grew up in. the route i walked to school: up the gravel driveway (that i once face planted into off my bike), walk along the highway careful to stay away from the fast cars, under the graffiti'd overpass (i found a "secret" path that led me on the dirt instead of the asphalt road), then take a right turn and cut across the field to the school. i walked that way so many times. its weird that i havent thought about klamath falls in such a long time and yet it's still so etched in my mind. and i found the street both my best friends lived on and one of the streets on the way to the skating rink. so weird. its like i was on another planet in someone else's body. haha... i remember walking home from school one day with a couple acquaintences, one of them a 5th grader who taught me how to swear... like i would be cool if i did. man, i was kind of a dumb kid, haha. and my best friend bri got jealous right before i moved away of my other best friend adam... but i dont quite remember why. sometimes i wonder what they're up to now. did they go to college? i should look them up. not like id expect us to be instant best friends again or something, just out of curiosity. ah nostalgia. im not sure how i feel about it.
10/29/07 12:31 am
When I see people who are acting like they have it all together it upsets me a little. But then I have to step back and realize that I do the very same thing every day. I guess everyone does. The problem is sometimes I feel like such a complete mess, I feel like it must show through my not-so-clever disguise. But I think we have to do that. We have to try and fool ourselves every day. If something is bothering me, but I'm in a public place and therefore forced to interact somewhat normally with those around me, I have to pretend like nothing's bothering me. Those who break that norm are just assumed to be jerks who have no consideration for others. You know them, they're the patrons who piss me off at the library, the guy who cuts you off on the freeway, the bitchy waiter... etc. Sometimes its just general bitchyness, but I think most of these people are just acting like they're feeling. It's not fair, but there you go. I feel like a wreck sometimes... and then I feel pathetic for thinking that what I'm worrying about is making me a wreck... and then I try to stop worrying and then nothing gets done about it. What a peculiar world we live in. I think of all these things I want to talk to him about and then when I start to tell him, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing I've ever uttered, or I forget. I forget all those eloquent phrases my brain pieced together; all those perfect scenarios that always play out so much better in my head. Because if I told him everything I would have liked to tell him, he probably wouldn't want to see me anymore. But I guess I don't know that for sure.
From LJ
12/19/07 12:38 pm - ::disconnected::
I don't have an identity. I'm lost in a crowd of black clothed zombies with too much make up and fake smiles. They don't notice me. I'm invisible. I stand out because I'm trying to hard to be them. My makeup looks plastic and my clothes don't match. They don't notice me.
Falling and falling, over and over again. Nobody catches you; it's endless. High heels and long nails. What defines? Why ask these questions? There aren't any answers. Chin up. Stay focused. Remember those "goals"? What do you make of them now? You're still just falling; you can't be taken seriously, not the way you're going about it. I trace perfect lips in my mind, and draw them over and over again on sheets of notebook paper that should contain the things I learn. They make me keep falling. Suspended in ecstasy; it'll hang me eventually.
Trying too hard to fit in a mold. Unfinished, unclean, unworthy. "Describe yourself in 5 words or less: " Done. I can't be confined to a survey, to these words - simple signs that mean nothing to the signified. "Ce n'est pas une pipe" - more like "ce n'est pas une personne". You were right, Magritte. Don't connect what should be apart.
Bodies moving to the rhythm of an unheard beat. I know I'm here in this room at this computer, listening to meaningless sounds and observing pieces of life that don't matter. Every conversation, every syllable spoken is important. Nobody knows it was all meant to be. You wouldn't care anyways. I never thought I would move to that same rhythm. I was wrong. My incompetence roars in my face, stares me down, makes me cower behind this unrighteous slab of reality. I want to make sense of it. What I dream of and what is true. How do you know?
Laughter and television, music around my neck. Smooth strokes violently dig into the canvas. This is my sanctuary, my haven, my home. I have no place in geography; my only knowledge is of this, is what I've been given. Family and heartbeats, the melody of languages I don't speak, living beings around me. I am apart from them among them, as it should be. Always apart. Always a smile and a story, though I don't know how to speak.
Tears don't matter, arguements, ideas, excuses. Always something. Why do you care? Why fight a losing battle? Make it worth it, be worth it. Make a masterpiece out of life. Can't make a masterpiece out of paint unless you do that first.
Current Location: The Library
Current Mood: pensive
I don't have an identity. I'm lost in a crowd of black clothed zombies with too much make up and fake smiles. They don't notice me. I'm invisible. I stand out because I'm trying to hard to be them. My makeup looks plastic and my clothes don't match. They don't notice me.
Falling and falling, over and over again. Nobody catches you; it's endless. High heels and long nails. What defines? Why ask these questions? There aren't any answers. Chin up. Stay focused. Remember those "goals"? What do you make of them now? You're still just falling; you can't be taken seriously, not the way you're going about it. I trace perfect lips in my mind, and draw them over and over again on sheets of notebook paper that should contain the things I learn. They make me keep falling. Suspended in ecstasy; it'll hang me eventually.
Trying too hard to fit in a mold. Unfinished, unclean, unworthy. "Describe yourself in 5 words or less: " Done. I can't be confined to a survey, to these words - simple signs that mean nothing to the signified. "Ce n'est pas une pipe" - more like "ce n'est pas une personne". You were right, Magritte. Don't connect what should be apart.
Bodies moving to the rhythm of an unheard beat. I know I'm here in this room at this computer, listening to meaningless sounds and observing pieces of life that don't matter. Every conversation, every syllable spoken is important. Nobody knows it was all meant to be. You wouldn't care anyways. I never thought I would move to that same rhythm. I was wrong. My incompetence roars in my face, stares me down, makes me cower behind this unrighteous slab of reality. I want to make sense of it. What I dream of and what is true. How do you know?
Laughter and television, music around my neck. Smooth strokes violently dig into the canvas. This is my sanctuary, my haven, my home. I have no place in geography; my only knowledge is of this, is what I've been given. Family and heartbeats, the melody of languages I don't speak, living beings around me. I am apart from them among them, as it should be. Always apart. Always a smile and a story, though I don't know how to speak.
Tears don't matter, arguements, ideas, excuses. Always something. Why do you care? Why fight a losing battle? Make it worth it, be worth it. Make a masterpiece out of life. Can't make a masterpiece out of paint unless you do that first.
Current Location: The Library
Current Mood: pensive
12.02.2007
Cosa lengua?
Voglio parlare di lui, ma non ho nessuno. Ma no. Ho deciso. Non posso farlo.
Yo tengo ganas ir a la Mexico con él. Peró yo no puedo hacer que tampoco. No puedo ser una esposa buena; no cocino, no ayudo él... Él mercere mejor. Yo no puedo serlo. Hoy a la mañana, yo do un paseo y hablo con me. Con me! No con él...
Non me ne importa. Continuerò vederlo e non so cosa capitarà. Non me ne importa. Voglio si bene... non amo si adesso. Forsè un certo giorno. Ma amore è glieho paura.
It doesn't matter what language I say it in, it still doesn't make sense. I'm still crazy about him. I freak out for no reason. But in a quiet way... x|
Yo tengo ganas ir a la Mexico con él. Peró yo no puedo hacer que tampoco. No puedo ser una esposa buena; no cocino, no ayudo él... Él mercere mejor. Yo no puedo serlo. Hoy a la mañana, yo do un paseo y hablo con me. Con me! No con él...
Non me ne importa. Continuerò vederlo e non so cosa capitarà. Non me ne importa. Voglio si bene... non amo si adesso. Forsè un certo giorno. Ma amore è glieho paura.
It doesn't matter what language I say it in, it still doesn't make sense. I'm still crazy about him. I freak out for no reason. But in a quiet way... x|
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