Mostly Smitten ;)

mood: smitten and pissed off

Two particularly strange emotions blending together are making my head whirl around in circles. lets start with nummer zwei...

i am sick and tired of the misconception that life revolves around sex. who's getting some from who, and who's hot and who's not, and movies that seem to always have to have a sex scene in them... it just drives me crazy! sex is everywhere! its on tv, its at work, its at school, its on the computer, its in commercials, its in magazines, in books, on the radio... everywhere. and i just dont understand what's so damn important about sex that everybody makes such a big deal of it.

sex has been made as casual an encoutner as one shaking hands with another. its like, people meet and like each other, and immediately its, "oh, lets have sex." its been made and essential part of relationships, even in high school. you can't seem to talk to someone in a relationship without hearing something about their sex life.

now, for all you reading this and scoffing at my naivety: yes, i am a virgin, and very proud of it. i dont need sex in my life to feel confident with myself; it certianly wouldnt help with my well being. however, i know that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing, even if ive never experienced it. but there's a major thing wrong with all the world's view of sex.

sex was not meant for unmarried people. because marriage is a covenant of love between a man and a woman meant to last forever, sex is safe and beautiful for these people because it is of love. all other sex and sexual desires are derived from lust. lust is one of the worst sins, in my opinion, because it is so difficult to break. and it consumes people, drives them mad. people become so crazy from this that they will pay someone to satisfy this urge... its amazing what money can buy. lust tears people apart... which is something i think the majority of the world doesn't understand. i think everyone wants to have sex, its just a matter of when and with who. if you want it to be special as god made it to be, be patient... god will lead you the right way.

as to nummer eins on my emotions... im not too sure what to say about it. my friends and family laugh at me, but i smile quietly (though about to burst with joy) at the mere thought of the boy down the street. *sigh* and i thought i was through with him... just being in his presence makes me so happy..... i dont understand. hahahhaaa. im so retarded...

Summer crawls

my beautiful baby sister, isabelle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I usually enjoy summer, except for the intolerable heat, in which i am about to go mow the lawn in. but this summer is different. i seem to have an ever changing view of life, and though i am appreciating my family more than i ever have before (my biological family, and the extra family god's given me), i just feel like im stuck in between. yes ive graduated high school, but i havent started college yet. im not too fond of prolongued transition periods.

but alas, god is always trying to teach me something, even when im not feeling very suseptable to it. i am ready to ascend to semi-adult life and be without parents watching me. i think the reason this is, for me, is because though the ones who have raised me wont be doing it anymore, the One who created me will walk with me, and at times carry me, until i live no more on this world. i know He'll be there, and thats all the comforting i really need.

vicki and roger joke around with me (with sincere concern in their voices) about the city people converting me to a lesbian or an athiest, stacy worries in extreme about my driving, and my parents worry about my money management. the only aspect the next level im slightly worried about is the classes and homework, because i know that being vigilant in my studies, though i have the capacity to understand them, has never been much of a strength for me. people think i did so well in school, but within myself, i know im capable of much more. i could be a becky or a gillian, but i instead found other things i unconciously deemed more important. like friends and artwork for example ;).

i am praying with all my might for god to soothe my heart, and make me "lie down in greener pastures", my life here at home. i know i have to enjoy this while it lasts since it is ever fleeting, even when my independent adolescent desires are screaming to be set free.

*and she beats back the angry, rebellious teenager inside herself, and begins to win...*

why?

Why can't i sleep
when i stay up and stare at this
mindless screen.
why cant i breathe
when im gulping for air
at the bottom of this cloudy ravine.
why cant i listen
to the cries of lonely ones and i
cant sleep cuz i hear them repeating in my head.
why cant i fall
when im teetering at the edge
of the ravine that holds and swallows the dead.
why cant i cry
when the time seems just right
and all of my pride seems at its end.
why cant i stop
when im going round in circles
trying to find where the golden trail ascends.
why cant i look
when theres such beauty around me
and all that it needs is attention.