How come I end up where I started?
How come I end up where I went wrong?
Won't take my eyes off the ball again
You reel me out and then you cut the string...

The beginning of a good song... is so descriptive to my life. Why do I fall in love with impossible people? Why can't I keep it in my pants? Why can't I remember what it feels like.. to be in love, and loved back the same? Have I ever really known?

My head hurts contemplating these. I feel so numb and empty. It's the static, too many thoughts to discern, so they all jumble together into nothing.

I will most likely have an opportunity to make another big mistake this weekend. I'm half in half out. On one hand, it would be a truly no strings attached incident, and on the other hand I feel like I don't want to be with anyone else but him. But he doesn't want me. Not that I blame him... Story of my life. /emo

We've all changed so much. How is it that someone you used to see every day would so abruptly disappear? How does this affect our psyches? Social groups are ever in a state of change. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Our experiences together have helped shape us. How do I know when to act on my feelings? Do I wait forever for you, or do I take initiative? I love you, but you aren't ready for that yet. And maybe I'm not either. Maybe someday we can come together... but what if it never happens? What if I just continue to feel this way about you, eventually meet someone else and settle? I don't want to be afraid of what might happen forever. But I still don't know when to act. I think I shouldn't worry about it so much though, and listen to what God's telling me in the mean time. I hope you're still there... when we're both ready for it.

Impossible

I can't fill everyone's expectations. I become overwhelmed by all these things I'm expected to do. But thats just a part of life, expectations. I guess I expect things of others as well. But nothing big. I just expect my friends to be loyal and to trust me. And my family... I can't expect much of them, or rather I don't have to. They have always been so good to me and I could never expect more than their unconditional love. I just feel so confused right now about what I'm supposed to do and who I am and what I want. And what I should have. I think I have more expectations of him that I don't communicate to him. I feel like some things in life should just happen and shouldn't need to be spelled out. I don't feel like we should try really hard to get along, and we shouldn't have to make an extra effort to enjoy being together. We don't have to try too hard, but I just wonder if the issues we have are common ones just for people to have... maybe I just don't know what it is to be in a real relationship. I love him, but I feel like his love and my love for him has been distracting me from God, and that's not how it should be. If I'm having doubts, in my grand ideal philosophy, then we shouldn't be together in the first place. Not if what we're both looking for is a long term relationship that results in marriage. I don't know if I could marry him. Not that he's not a wonderful man in so many ways, but maybe we're just not compatible enough. But I can't get up enough gumption to look in his beautiful eyes and tell him it has to end. I do enjoy being with him, but I just get stressed out and doubtful and don't know what is right.

One time I said to a friend in middle school that I expected that I might have sex in college, but not before then. I figured I'd wait until I was mature enough to handle it. But then when I became a Christian, I realized how terrible that was to expect of myself, and I promised that I would wait for the right man and marriage. Even after I became a Christian, somehow I knew I wouldn't wait. I figured there would come a time when I couldn't resist the temptation. Because I knew myself. I may have been less mature then, but I paid more attention to myself and what God was doing for me. I hated to think that girls could have the same expectations as me, or perhaps lesser ones. Some girls don't wait, or don't even feel the need. We are so fragile in our emotions, even if we are outwardly strong. Inside every woman, no matter her age, is a fragile, needy center that sometimes never gets fulfilled. Women of God know that they don't need a man to fill that need, but they still struggle with the world's view of life.

What am I doing? Where did I disappear into the world? How did I become a part of them again? Why do I fill my life with replacements? They are all nothing compared to the fulfillment God provides. Why can't I find the strength to break away? Why do I cling to things that hinder me? I envy those who are deeply involved in their churches and have peace of mind. Those who have that peace in their life. I know my struggle is nothing. But it's my nothing. And I have to figure it out. I have to invite God back, if he'll have me.

Don't be emo

Don't give up.
Remember the people who love you.
There are bigger problems out there than your pathetic little plight.
Make yourself useful.
Talk to God, for fucking once.
Don't forget.
Always forgive.
Let go when you need to.
Be humble, especially when reminded to be.
Make the most out of a day (i.e. driving as long as possible)
Say 'thank you' to people who need to hear it.
Say 'I love you' to people who need to hear it.
Make art. Lots and lots of art.
Open a savings account. Eventually you'll have something to put in there.
Don't give up.

And...

I think I write out to do lists to make myself feel accomplished even before I actually do the things there. It's like organizing my mind, which doesn't work very well. Because my mind is exploding, just like my stupid silly heart.

Fuck, I'm going to start writing emo poetry soon. Lord help me.

Lifetime To Do

[in no particular order]
-write poetry (preferably not emo)
-make the perfect cereal bowl
-read through the whole Bible
-learn how to cook
-try every different kind of eggs
-paint a rainbow without making it cliche
-draw on sidewalks
-sit in downtown and paint passersby
-sell paintings
-learn to forgive easier (for reals)
-remember stuff better
-read my old to do lists
-clean out my desk
-own a guitar (and be able to play it)
-learn to speak another language (or three) fluently
-vado in Italia
-just let go
-get to know my brothers and sister as they grow up
-drive along the entire west coast
-live in Mexico
-relax
-my back piece
-stop biting my nails
-build a house
-paint murals
-never forget to laugh
-call people I miss
-build a tree house
-go to a Ren fair
-go to f*ing Disneyland
-learn how to snowboard
-teach in a bible study
-discover life
-make some paper mache
-do mission work in Africa