i keep obsessing over the same boy. i mean, maybe there was a couple others i liked in between, but i obviously wasnt supposed to be with them. im not sure about this one. i hate being categorized under the same mindless stereotypes laid out for teenage girls, but sometimes, damnit, i fit in that shameful category. so.... im not just another silly girl with a crush... im girl learning how to be an woman with adult problems.
i... am... in... love with him. SO in love with him... and i dont know where its going to go. its very frustrating, because on one hand i feel like god is telling me that he is the man for me but to be patient... but then on the other hand i feel like he wants me to move on. but the funky thing is, i thought i was supposed to do that a year ago... and then i thought the same thing a few months before that. maybe i just dont know what god's saying anymore.... sigh. but i dont want to be wrong again.... i think three strikes and you're out.... i dont want to strike out. what if he is for me?
since i became a christian, i learned quite a few things about relationships. ive learned enough to set guidelines for myself... i dont think ive done this to be unfair to any one man, but rather to be satisfied when the time comes that i am with the true love im meant to be with.
numero uno, i absolutely believe that there is one man for every woman. sure in todays society women get married and divorced as quick as you could imagine.... but i think this is because they become impatient. in their search for love, they fear they'll never find it, so they rush to get married when they find someone, even if the decision is not completely thought out. i dont believe this is the answer, because it does lead to failed marriages, which is a complete slander on the wedding vows that each took towards each other when they got married. doesnt that mean you're afraid of commitment? and that your promises mean pretty much nothing?
numero dos, on a more personal note, i cannot marry a man who isnt a christian and believes along the same lines that i do. maybe that's closed minded of me, and if so, then i am. i am willing to be closed minded in this sense because marriage, based on numero uno, is forever. now, if im going to be living with, sharing with, commited to someone for the rest of my life, i feel that it is imperative that we share the same belief system. with me, my every day life is based on jesus in my life, now if my husband doesnt share that with me, we wont stay very close for long, will we? and if my christianity is going to separate me from my own husband, that marriage wont work. maybe it does for some, but i bet its hard. i just know i cant do it, with all the challenges to my faith every day, i need another spiritual person close to me, and a husband is the best example i can think of.
numero tres, i cannot and will not have sex before i am married. ive explained this already somewhere, i just dont remember where. probably written somewhere in a notebook... anyway. this is a BIG problem for me. lust is my weakness, and with the certain person i speak of in this, it has been a problem. ive seen the strongest of my christian friends fall to this weakness as well, and i think its not just me. but sex is too sacred of an act to be abused by doing it before marriage. no matter how much you love someone, even if you are soon to be married, i dont think its right to have sex with that person. sex is set apart by god to be something special husband and wife share. and to lose that sanctity.... i would feel devalued. just imagine getting married and having all the people you've had sex with standing up on the alter next to you. you've given a piece of yourself to each of them, and with pieces gone, you're cheating your future spouse out of getting all of you.
anyways, so i have a problem with one of these especially. i am in love with this man, amazingly, terribly, crazy in love. but he doesnt share the same beliefs i do. now... obviously this doesnt stop me from loving him... but it poses a problem for the future that ive pictured. i keep hoping he'll change... but i dont want him to change..... i dont know. i think he's beautiful. a beautiful person, with a wonderful perception of the world, of life, of love...but some things i guess i just dont understand. and he doesnt understand about me. and with this one thing separating us, one would think it wouldnt be sucha big deal. but, as ive said, my faith is my life. every day, i pray to god, i think about him in everything.... i have a tendancy to analyze people and situations (which may not be a good thing) and i always reference that to god. its tough not to be able to share those things with him. so i am at an impass... and ive certainly written a lot. so i shall pray.... thats the only thing i can think of doing, pray that some sort of solution can come of this.
