10/29/07 12:31 am

When I see people who are acting like they have it all together it upsets me a little. But then I have to step back and realize that I do the very same thing every day. I guess everyone does. The problem is sometimes I feel like such a complete mess, I feel like it must show through my not-so-clever disguise. But I think we have to do that. We have to try and fool ourselves every day. If something is bothering me, but I'm in a public place and therefore forced to interact somewhat normally with those around me, I have to pretend like nothing's bothering me. Those who break that norm are just assumed to be jerks who have no consideration for others. You know them, they're the patrons who piss me off at the library, the guy who cuts you off on the freeway, the bitchy waiter... etc. Sometimes its just general bitchyness, but I think most of these people are just acting like they're feeling. It's not fair, but there you go. I feel like a wreck sometimes... and then I feel pathetic for thinking that what I'm worrying about is making me a wreck... and then I try to stop worrying and then nothing gets done about it. What a peculiar world we live in. I think of all these things I want to talk to him about and then when I start to tell him, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing I've ever uttered, or I forget. I forget all those eloquent phrases my brain pieced together; all those perfect scenarios that always play out so much better in my head. Because if I told him everything I would have liked to tell him, he probably wouldn't want to see me anymore. But I guess I don't know that for sure.