what am i doing

i keep feeling like something needs to change. this feeling inside me... its like something big is happening but i dont know what it is. ive been going through the days numb, like i need to be brought to life, like i need a breath of fresh air. why does this happen? i dont need to feel suffocated, but its so tempting to just give in to what feels good, and it feels good to be lazy. thats not just it though. i know ive never really been challenged for what i believe, never been questioned about believing in christ, but maybe it needs to happen. it really scares me, but i feel like if i cant stand up for my lord, then i cant do anything, and i need to believe i can do something. i need to believe that i can accomplish what im trying to do, i need to believe that i can be brave. i cant sleepwalk through life. i miss so much, theres so much out there to see but im only one person. i cant do everything right away. i know god leads me, he sends me reminders. i dont want to ignore them. but thats what im doing. by continuing like this im not growing, im not learning about him and the only place i will find satisfaction and fulfillment is through doing that! i know, because when i do it, i feel it. things happen when i trust. but i cant trust the wrong things. there are so many false prophets that ive followed, so many graven images ive worshipped instead of my lord. and its wrong, i know its wrong. "instant gratification". if i buy that it will make me feel happy now. if i eat stuff i know is bad for me ill feel satisfied now. thats what ive been after. i know myself so much better than i ever have before, and god shows me bit by bit. yesterday i realized that i like to flaunt my attraction. if im pursuing a guy (which i shouldnt do anyways), if im dating him, if he shows any interest in me i feel the need to boast about it. like if i dont show off the way all those other couples do, i wont be satisfied in the relationship. and it screws it up every time! i feel like i watch all these other people do it, and now its my turn. but no! with vince, i had to start rushing everything and called him my boyfriend before we'd said hardly anything to each other! maybe if i hadnt pressured him so much we would have gotten to know each other and actually had more fun! with scott, it was just more than i expected, and he misread my boasting. with adam... we never would have gotten together in the first place if i hadnt felt the need to boast about it! he was all i concentrated on for 6 months straight. but what our love was is exactly what i want, what i need. i want to be with someone because i need to be with them. because ill feel incomplete without them. because we both feel the same about each other. at least adam and i had that. of course, the fact that i filled the place god was supposed to be in my life with him wasnt right. discovering this makes my relationship issues make so much more sense. and its super stupid, but hopefully ill learn from it after ive seen what trouble its caused in the past. ive just carried so much around with me these past years... its time to get out of high school mode. its time to grow up. im not a little kid, i cant wait for daddy to come save me and tell me everythings ok. i cant rely on that. all i should be relying on is the love of christ, because that is more than enough. he did it all for me, and he offers his friendship and love... which is so much better than any parent, any friend... of course, he put people in the world to love one another and keep each other going. i love that he did that. but they're only human. they're just as imperfect as i am. i have to trust that the perfect one is the only one i can truly rely on. there is nothing i could possibly do to deserve what's given. and i think im preaching a little bit, but for once, i dont care! i could talk forever about the grace of god, and people have already filled volumes trying to explain it or disprove it. pages and pages of man's writings and still nobody's come up for a logical explanation for god. which is why so many choose not to believe. there's no rhyme or reason to it and they just cant handle that! ive battled with this myself of course, and finally realized that any rationalizations i come up with are still just conceived by me. and i certainly cant measure or measure up to god. *sigh* the fruitless efforts of humanity. and ive lost track of my point, i dont think it really matters anymore. theres so much to talk about; i continue to pray for him to send me someone who i wont screw up. i believe it will happen. just dont know when. and so thats it? the end of a rant and im burnt out? i dont think so. theres no drama here. this is me, people. genuine inner turmoil displayed for all to see. all who wish, of course. i continue to talk and write forever, however long that is for me. but i dont think i can ever force anything on anyone. that, i can say for myself. no matter how much i love god, theres no way i can make anyone else love him. but no more fear! the real reason i believe most everything i do is god! but i dont say that, nooo. i dont want to force it on anyone. i dont think i should ever need to.