wandering

im still wandering. just like anyone else, i suppose. but sometimes i look at people who look like they have it all together with envy. i dont think i even look like i have it all together. but then, maybe i do. maybe the same people i jealously look upon are looking at me with the same feelings. i hope not. i am just as lost as anyone, it would do no good to follow me.

i dont understand why some things make me so angry. i shouldnt let stuff get to me. i know it doesnt matter. i know that at the end of the day god will still be there waiting for me to listen. just waiting. but i still ignore and go another direction. i still get frustrated at stupid situations and awkward actions. i hate that i dont know what to say. i always think that maybe if i did know exactly what i need to say then it will make life go so much smoother. if i had a script like life is some sort of theatre production. it kind of is.

but i dont want to act. i dont want anyone to look at me. i want to just disappear and leave life to people who dont act so stupid. i just dont like waiting for things to happen. im very impatient. i like to know whats going on. but even if i did i feel like there would still be something that bothered me. some extra desire for control. i shouldnt have that. i should just stop.